day 6

nights are the hardest. i started smoking again, so i don't have the weird freaky 3 am withdrawal thing anymore. but i realize how much i relied on drinking to sleep.

i found out that elliot's doing the sobriety thing too. weird, right?

confession - i had a shot tonight. i went to trivia night at mahony's with kristen and margeaux, and some woman bought shots for the entire bar and it was kind of fast the way it happened and i didn't feel like i could say no and i looked at kristen and said "ok, this is the ONE TIME i'll do this" and i took it and immediately felt sad and guilty.

we won a bar tab for getting 1st place and she started drinking immediately. i got really depressed and she offered to uber me home. i ended up going to margeaux's and she drove me home.

bars are boring when you aren't drinking. truly. i went to radio with the guys & kristen last night and after an hour i was ready to leave. tonight, at 2 hours in, i was almost irritated.

smoking tastes gross when you aren't drinking. i guess it's the same thing of driving for 3 hours and chain smoking. it's nasty. you don't notice it when your'e drinking and sitting for 3 hours. your mouth is numb. i guess.

tomorrow i am going to get up early and (wait, i guess today?) go to the coffee shop and meet up with margeaux - she has an appeal to write and i need to finally update my resume and start applying for bank jobs. i also want to start freelancing for some quick cash/sanity maintenance in the meantime. there's a cool website i found to easily find freelance work, but it requires a paid subscription to be able to actually apply to any of these jobs. i am getting paid tomorrow, so i'm gonna drop the 40 or 50 bucks necessary and sort of gamble that i'll get a job out of it. sigh. i'm a good writer. i just don't have samples.

i'm trying. i need to be productive. otherwise i watch grey's anatomy and day and night and end up crying soundlessly.

if smoking and drinking in small doses make me feel bad, there's got to be another way.

i have faith.