Day 23, 1:24 am

I'm alone. Lonely. Lone.

I tried to do a normal social thing and spend time with someone, Brian took me out to dinner and a movie, and I felt okay, normal levels of anxiety, but okay.

I get home, and Kristen harangues me to go to the bar. I get there, she's hammered to the point of not speaking, and it was way too crowded, and Matt was there, he hadn't responded to the email I sent him asking if we could meet so I could make my step 9 amends. It hurt to know that he had probably read it and ignored it.

Kristen forced me into social interaction with someone I matched with on Tinder who I wasn't all that interested in, honestly. I mean, it's not black or white. Sometimes you swipe right because someone looks like maybe, possibly, they could be interesting.

It was awkward.

I talked to a few people, but most of them were drunk, and I felt like I couldn't speak their language. I felt completely out of my element. I left. I am sitting here in bed feeling awful.

The one person I have left, Elliot, hasn't responded to most of my texts tonight. I feel like I did something wrong,but the reality is more likely that he's asleep or he's also anxious and unsure of what to do or say.

I'm sitting here in bed listening to drunk people coming home, my neighbors coming home, laughing and giggling, and I start to spiral. Can I ever go to bars and feel comfortable, or even enjoy being there? Can I make friends with people who drink regularly? Can I date someone who drinks?

I feel like I've closed off 90% of my options to date.

And it sucks. Because Daniel was my person, and especially for sobriety, and I don't have that anymore.

Of course I have my parents, who love and support me, and who support my decision fervently. I love them for that. I appreciate it. I NEED it.

Otherwise I'd be an incredibly depressed person right now.

I'm only 3 weeks in, and I made a commitment to go a whole year. So I'm doing it. Hopefully it lasts longer, hopefully I WANT to be this way and don't feel guilt or shame for it.

Having 2 people with drinks in their hands sloppily congratulate you on your newfound sobriety brings tears to your eyes. Not the good tears.

"What's the point?" You find yourself thinking. You stand around and drink water and get run into by stumbling strangers who get mad at YOU for being in the way and you feel like you're cased in eggshell, just one wrong move and you'll shatter on the floor leaking tears and sweat and drool. Because you just want to be around people. You thought you could handle it. Just for a bit.

But selfishly, you are thankful you're not drinking. Selfishly, you look at your friend, look into her bloodshot eyes that roll back in her head justalittlebit and you want to smile, to say "see, don't you feel like shit? was that worth it?" because YOU have conquered your problem. But you haven't. Because if you conquered it, wouldn't you be able to drink?

I'm bitter because I want to be "normal." I'm in a stage of anger. Am I grieving my loss of wine?

denial- i'm not really an alcoholic, am i?
anger-
bargaining-
depression-
acceptance-

i feel like i'm going through anger and bargaining simultaneously. and depression, too.

I have more to say, but not on this topic. I'll switch blogs.