Day 3, 3:05 am

I can't stop the tears right now. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin and I don't understand why. I literally cannot sit still. Lie still. I start shaking and feel this need to wrench myself free of what, exactly? I don't know. I had one cigarette today on the drive home from Daniel's but otherwise I've been smoke-free since 93 haha kidding since after midnight on July 1st

Daniel JUST texted me saying he felt like his skin was on fire and he was really nervous.

My first thought was my medicine because I had dropped a pill at his house and he took it tonight around the time i took my night dose and i was like well i have felt this feeling before god is it a bad batch or what.

I speculated wildly and then we realized we have both been on the same diet, more or less. no smokes, no booze, day 3. went heavy on new years eve and suddenly dropped off to zero.

he texted me at just the right time. there was this sympatico wireless... thing that happened there.

i'm glad i've got him back in my life.

matt and i aren't on good, or any, terms anymore, but he always used to say "everything happens exactly as it's supposed to."

and i think he's right.

i'm still shaky and nervous but i feel better. calmer. i am reassured that my medicine wasn't replaced with methamphetamines by some blurry faced third party.

i normally take 40 mg of lithium every morning. today, i took 40 mg early afternoon (slept late) and 40 mg around 11pm. double dosage, close together, and STILL did not combat the feeling of detoxing...

i guess, well, i'm prepared now. it's going to be miserable and impossible to treat with pharmaceuticals. unless i replace the ritual. which is a bad idea.

i miss yoga nidra. if and when i get a real job soon (?) (grammar?), i'm gonna start going to those classes again. they really helped. if i'm being honest, i'd walk out of there feeling drunk. high.

i have realized over the past few days just how much i'm addicted to. alcohol. cigarettes. lithium (eh?). specifically smoking in the car. listening to the same 10 songs endlessly for months at a time. bingeing tv shows on netflix. but see, the thing about that last one, is that it's glorified socially. culturally, it's "cute" to be a netflix addict. to "just wanna stay in and drink wine with my cats and netflix." that is a disgusting lifestyle to me now. i look at the state of my home, my car, my BEDROOM.

it smells like cat piss. clothes and shoes everywhere. week old fast food containers. i still have old beers from late bar nights and i'm SOBER NOW. nothing is clean. nothing is presentable. i live in filth. i do not take care of myself.

i have this insane fear of updating my resume, of putting myself out there. WHY? i have virtually NO MONEY and THOUSANDS of dollars in debt. there. i said it.

not even student loan debt. actual factual credit card debt. i am the world's biggest asshole. maybe i'm not. i feel like it.

i have to get this under control, but more importantly? i can. i CAN.

this year is about more than sobriety. i have to grow up. because if i don't start today, i am going to be a 30 year old starbucks barista with half a BFA.

i met michael glaviano on tinder tonight and we had a nice conversation about writing. i really am going to continue writing.

tonight my parents heard exactly why i am going sober. they looked at me with eyes i've never seen from anyone. eyes that said "we had no idea you were capable of that. but it's too late now. it's been done." they are glad i'm helping myself.

i had a moment earlier where i snuck to the kitchen to get food, and i could.. feel my mom smiling as the potato chip bags crinkled against each other. smiling because i wasn't going hungry tonight.